Changing Hockey Before It's Too Late

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The latest buzz in the sports world is the agreement in the National Hockey League that will bring hockey back to the ice next season after a one-year absence of the sport. Since the moment I first heard the news, I have been trying hard to care about this return, as have the millions of people worldwide who failed to realize that hockey ever left. I do not mean to insist that I do not enjoy watching hockey. Rather, I mean to state it directly: I do not enjoy watching hockey …

This is not to say that there is no hope for the sport. Anytime an activity involves ice and sticks, the potential exists for something fun and exciting, as provided on a regular basis by popsicles. Plus, now is the time when negotiations are still in progress, which means opportunities exist to change the sport. As a non-fan, I would suggest the following:

– Currently, squids are thrown onto the ice when there is a hat trick, or three goals scored by the same player in one game. I propose that squids instead be thrown onto the ice sporadically through each game. Thus, hockey would no longer be a team versus team sport. Rather, it would be team versus team versus squid. Not since the Winter Olympics – or maybe the NBA All-Star Game – has there been such a global competition …

– The zamboni, which is used to refresh the ice between periods, should also be moving on the ice at all times, driven by NHL legends such as Wayne Gretzky and Gordie Howe. Watching this slow-moving device would be a lot more exciting to some people than the actual game. In special games, like those shown on national television, the zamboni should shoot lasers …

– The goalie should not longer wear pads, nor should he have a stick. Come on, tough guys, let's see what you can do with your own hands. If "Smurfs on Ice" can do it, why not the NHL?

– If a player breaks his stick during a game, he should have to use a broom for the rest of it. If the broom breaks, a Twizzler will serve as replacement. And what if the Twizzler breaks? Well, come on, this is a Twizzler: it will not break …

– Fights should be encouraged by more referees, who should use wireless microphones to yell such remarks as "did you hear what he said about your mom?" and "It sounded like he called you a baseball player!"

– Players who score a hat trick should be required to do a trick with a hat. Then – and only then – I would root for this to occur …

I have now come full circle with my agenda, beginning and ending with hat tricks. Not even a magician could make a plan like this …

But I digress.